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Ladies and gents our story begins with our author who one day packed up his bags to spend the next 5 years of his life on some tropical island far far away. This land is not like any place he has ever been to before. There is no telling of what he may encounter during his stay there but one thing is sure he is going to be in for one crazy adventure. And this is where you get to read about it.

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The stories told here maybe appear larger than in real life and at times may even appear outlandish. However, all actual events are in fact real (well, most of them). What may appear as a distortion of reality to some may only be due to the author's perspective of the actual events. Some say he is just not right in the head.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

How otay is it to be OTay?

For some reason my moms reads the things I write here. (That's why I can talk about all of things I do out here. Like that time me and my cousin smoked all that crack and started chasing pink rabits around the campus for the next three days. Just playing, mom. Crack is bad. ) Anyways, so she read my last post and sent me this e-mail about what kind of OTay doctor I'll end up being if I depend on them OT's.

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

You know mom I'm gonna probably end up being like that anyway.

So this brings up the question, "how otay is it to be OTay?" Maybe I didn't answer that good enough earlier so here goes.

Like I said getting an OT from someone involves a lot of secrecy. Transactions happen fast and discrete or when no one is simply around. Makes you feel like you're in some kind of Mission Impossible flick or like you're out on the streets slinging crack. Take you pick. Either way you get the impression you are doing something you aren't supposed to be doing. But why? Well, if you are not part of this person's frat you might be breaking the frat rules and this person may get in trouble for doing it. So is that the reason for all the secrecy? Well, maybe not exactly.

Yes, the students don't want the professors to know that they got them too. I'm not really sure why, though. I'm sure that these professors must know that there is bound to be one of their OT's floating around someplace, especially if they have been giving the same test for the past five years! Remember the "O" is for old. It doesn't mean someone had to actually sneak in to some teacher's office to get a copy of it. Even so you still have to keep it out of their view and not only that but you're not supposed to perfect the exam if you got an OT. One of my classmates got a perfect on one of the last test and some people are giving him crap for it but why? If you read the books and then look over an OT's aren't you just doing what you're supposed to? So if you get 100% what's wrong with that? Isn't that the goal? Maybe it's because the professors might be tempted to not be so lazy and write up a new test the next time around to actually test your knowledge of the subject. Then again what's wrong with that?

So I'm not sure as to exactly why getting an OT from some one really bugged me before. Part of it might have been because I felt like it gave me such an advantage over others, though I'm starting to see that a lot of the times I was the one at the disadvantage. Having an OT, however, is not a guarantee that you got in your hand what will exactly be on the next. Though, it is pretty close to it some times. It also doesn't guarantee you have the right answers. You would be surprised to find out how many of the answers are actually incorrect on most of these exams and I'm not talking about the students making mistakes but the professors with their corrections. Kind of makes you wonder about the quality of the education you're paying for out here. Anyways, what this all means is that you still got to study. Or at least you should.

If you do, however, decide not to open a single book and solely depend on the chance you're going to get another OT you kind of take a gamble. Not only that, there is a chance you'll be learning the wrong facts. One of my classmates has tried to justify putting down the wrong answers marked correct on the OT's but I can't agree with his justification. When you are simply memorizing answers from OT's you are cheating. That's plain and simple. There is nothing to it, you're cheating yourself. Then again there's no real crime against that. Is there?

People cheat themselves all the time, in more ways than one, and it's not some thing that depends on whether you have an OT or not. So it's nothing new and I ain't trying to preach about why people shouldn't be doing it now. So, what people are going to do with their OT's I don't care too much about. There is one thing though, don't come up to me bragging about how well you did on some test or go talking smack to me about some other person who didn't do as well as you did. I don't want to hear about it. Having OT's definitely give you a huge advantage, especially over those people who don't have one.

As for my personal conundrum I don't think it is so much because I actually had some OT. I've never memorized just the answers. Even though, I've felt like I've been cheating my self throughout most of this year. Somewhere along the line I've lost my enthusiasm, for one reason or the other. I don't want to be here right now. I'm just hanging on trying to get this school year over with. Next year it can't be like this. There would be no point in coming back. I'd just be wasting my time.

Anyway, on to another topic here's something else I got in my email box today from my cousin. Sorry, ladies it's only for the guys. It's a pic of some exposed celebrity. Can you guess who? Click here.

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