Gone

I can't study at all during the weekends. I'm even starting to have a hard time trying to study during the weekdays. I don't know exactly why but I think it's a psychological thing. Something rooted deep with in my subconscious may explain it all but for now I don't have much of a clue. It's strange really; I only came here for one purpose and one purpose alone to study. Before I had left for this island I was telling my self that was all I was going to do and had psyched my self up to do just that. Well that's what I thought in the beginning but now...

Maybe it's because of the failed expectations. I really thought I didn't expect much because I had visited the place in the previous year but to my astonishment I was let down even more. Professors do not always speak English in the class, although I was told they do. Sometimes they don't even speak at all because they don't show up. I feel that I may be better of just sitting alone in my room with my books, that is if I would only study.

Maybe it's the distractions. I am beginning to see that I get easily distracted by everything here cousin's asking me to go drink, problems with the water and the insects, and drama. If these things occurred only once or twice I don't think it would be much of a problem but when they happen just about every other day it does become a little bothersome. It's hard to get back your focus on studying when you find worms in your shower or after hearing some crazy story that's meant for the Jerry Springer Show. I got a feeling things are not going to get any better either, especially in the drama department. I haven't been writing on some of the drama here but trust me there is enough drama going on around here to write a novel about.

Maybe it's because I feel like I lost my freedom. It's not easy for me to go where ever I like. There is not much around here and the places I want to go are rather far. Sometimes I think about going to these places but it will take me all day and I don't really have much time. On top of that the reasons why I want to go there is to get a few things I need but when I think about it I don't feel like commuting on a jeepni with some thing like a microwave. I don't want to get lost anywhere also carrying around such things, especially when I don't know the language. The majority of the people seem friendly but I understand under their situation here some people can be very desperate. A foreigner carrying a lot of expensive items can seem very tempting to take advantage of. The majority of the time I find my self sitting in this little room and it's driving me mad.

Maybe it's a combination of everything. Whatever is the exact reason I don't know. I guess it doesn't really matter either. The one thing that I am sure of is that I'm not liking my stay here all that much and all the drive I had in the beginning I'm afraid is just about gone.

190

Gaining wait out here. I'm not even sure why. All my friends who have come here from the states have told me that I would loose weight but it's not happening. I don't even eat much. Well, except for when I go on those weekend beer binges. But, that can't be the cause. I think I may be pregnant with some parasite's baby... more like babies.

The soundtrack

One of my favorite parts of a movie is when they cue up the sound track. At that point the characters don't even have to say a word anymore, you can just watch them as the events play out in the scene and some how, almost magically the soundtrack makes everything clear as to what the character is going thru. Sometimes I wish that could happen in real life. Wouldn't that be cool? For example if some one is mad or sad a song would play and then you would automatically know whether you should give that person some space or a shoulder to cry on. Ah, wouldn’t that be sweet. It would at least make life a little more interesting.

Well I ain't saying this is for me but let's go ahead and cue up the music.

[VERSE 1]
For all the years that I've known you baby
I can't figure out the reason why lately you've been acting so cold
(didn't you say)
If there's a problem we should work it out
So why you giving me the cold shoulder now
Like you don't even wanna talk to me girl
(tell me)
Ok I know I was late again
I made you mad and then it's throwing the pan
But why are you making this drag on so long
(i wanna know)
I'm sick and tired of this silly games
(silly games)
Don't figure that I'm the only one here to blame
It's not me here who's been going round slamming doors
That's when you turned and said to me
I don't care babe who's right or wrong
I just don't love you no more.

[CHORUS]
Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more

[VERSE 2]
I know that I made a few mistakes
But never thought that things would turn out this way
Cause I'm missing something now that your gone
(I see it all so clearly)
Me at the door with you inner state
(inner state)
Giving my reasons but as you look away
I can see a tear roll down your face
That's when you turned and said to me
I don't care babe who's right or wrong
I just don't love you no more.

[CHORUS]
Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more

[BRIDGE]
Don't say those words it's so hard
They turn my whole world upside down
Girl you caught me completely off guard
On the night you said to me
I just don't love you more.

[CHORUS 2X]
Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more

Why I need to learn the dialect

Crossing the street out here is always an adventure. It's kind of like playing that old game Frogger where you're a frog and you have to hop back and forth to avoid getting run over but in real life. However, when a car hits you here you can't simply stick in another quarter. It's game over.

It was rush hour so the street was packed with cars none of which were moving really fast. However, no one was caring to stop for the pedestrians at the crosswalk. Then again it's not like a crosswalk really means all that much to Filipino drivers other than a section were someone decided to paint a bunch white lines on the road. So, as I attempted to cross the road I had to be wary. I let a jeepni pass me by and then a tricycle. After the tricycle I saw an opening and attempted to cross. I am sure the man in the sedan coming up clearly saw me. In fact if he didn't swerve his car in between me and the other cars in the opposite lane just to get through he would have run me over. Still, I would say he ended up being no more than two inches away from running over my feet. I ended up planting my palm on his windshield and then on his trunk as he squeezed on by. Not really hard, more like if I were shuffling cloths along on a rack. As I was walking away not thinking too much of it because I understood that courtesy is a trait in which the drivers here completely lack, he began yelling at me in the local dialect. Unfortunately for me and maybe fortunately for him I couldn't understand. I paused looking back for a second and then proceeded on walking as he yelled through his rolled down window.

It's hard to get really mad if you can't understand what is being said to you. You just can't gage how you should retort. Did what he say only qualify a laugh in return? Judging from the look on his face I think not. So, maybe a show of the bird in the return would have been fine. Or an attempt to yell back in some foul language. Or maybe even an attempt at pulling him out his car by his neck. I had no clue of what I should do exactly other than just to look at him as if he were a baby babbling something I couldn't understand. Well, it's just another reason why I really need to learn the language and fast. I mean how else am I going to justify punching someone in the face?

Chismoso

Well I broke my vow of going out today. Wow, that really lasted long but in my defense I thought we were just going to get a quick bite.

Anyway as I went out with the guys today I learned a couple of things.

1) Filipinos like to gossip. Forgive me if I am being chauvinistic, I thought spreading rumors was a high school girl syndrome but the guys here talk as just as much gossip as any of the girls I've know from my high school. Maybe even more so.

2) I found out things about my self I didn't even know, particularly about the girls I fancy. Apparently for some time now I have been having a thing for Lois and Meg. Good thing I have such good friends to fill me in on such things because with out them I would have never known about it. Hmm, on second thought I'm thinking this info may be wrong but then again who am I to say anything. I mean I'm just one man with an opinion against everyone else's.

I understand that most of the time I'm not a very serious person and when it comes to questions about my self I don't give much of a straight answer. Actually usually the answer I give makes me sound a little crazy but even so I still find it amazing how people will come up with all these off the wall assumptions about me. I mean I try my best not to assume things about other people. In the line of profession I'm pursuing it would not be a good trait to have. "Mr. Green I see you have chest pains and you're a smoker. Hmm, in my opinion you have lung cancer. Sorry to tell you this but you most likely only have a year to live."

The most important thing I've learned about going out with them today is that you should never automatically trust what a Filipino says about another Filipino. Unless, you have heard it first hand from the one they're talking about.

Just to clear one other thing up, no I do not actually have three wives or any children either.

"Look at all these rumors surroundin' me every day

I just need some time, some time to get away from

From all these rumors, I can't take it no more

My best friend said there's one out now about me and the girl next door

Stop (Stop) spreadin' those rumors around

Stop (Stop) spreadin' the lies

Stop (Stop) spreadin' those rumors around

Stop (Stop) spreadin' the lies"

Flashback flashdance

Today in my anatomy class the subject of strip clubs came up. I'm not sure why, maybe it was from seeing those rotting smelly cadavers which we were working on that brought it about. Anyway it reminded me of my first time visiting a strip club. Oh, what a memory it was...

In all my years in the US I have never once been to a strip club. I was always either too busy or sick when my friends had decided to go. My only idea of what a strip club was like came from Demi Moore and my friends' descriptions of girls dancing on table tops and performing acrobatic stunts on polls. So I'll admit that when my of my best friends invited me to go check one out here in the Philippines I was a little anxious to go. It was me, Big D, his uncle who's a cop and his uncle's mistress who's a Madame (female pimp)... Umm, yeah. I don't have the time to explain that one. That's a story for another time. So back to the one at hand, we went to a club off Roxas Blvd in Manila. From what I was told it was one of the nicer clubs in the area.

When we walked it wasn't fairly large or exactly all that small either. It was dark and the only lights seemed to becoming from the center stage, which I noticed had no polls. Luckily for us though since my friend's uncle is a cop we got to sit right up in front. The first girl who walked out had a pretty face and decent body to go with it I might add. The music started and she began to dance, well sort of. She just kind of moved up and down, moving her shoulders back and forth. I must say it was... pretty damn boring. I thought I could have danced better than her. She didn't even strip. I was a confused at first because that's was I thought they did in strip clubs. Then she came out again a few minutes later and this time she was nude. I guess the first time was just a warm up.

It's kind of funny how a lack of clothes will renew a man's interest but it does. However, it didn't last long. I couldn't really figure it out this time though what killed her performance more the boring dance move or the stoic expression upon her face . From her face I thought she may have had a bad day. Then the next girl came out . Then the next one and the next one . I began to notice that they all had that same emotionless expression on their faces . As they danced they just stared off to some corner in the back of the room with a blank look. No one smiled or even winked once. I started to get the feeling that maybe they weren't exactly enjoying themselves up on stage. I couldn't imagine why. Then I began to think of the current situation in the Philippines.

Most of these girls have probably never hoped to be a stripper on that stage to be gawked at like a piece of meat or even at best be fantasized about as some kind of sexual object. They probably had dreams when they were younger like other little girls do to one day become a teacher, a doctor or even just a house wife who wouldn't have to tell her children she worked in such places. However, those dreams probably faded far away from reality because either they were born into poverty or have just now come to be faced with hard times. Some of these girls probably come from families living along the train tracks. They do this because it's the only way they can make any money to put food on their families' tables. Some of these girls may be doing this in order to provide for a little brother or sister because their father took off on them. There can be hundreds of reasons of how they came to be there and each just as tragic as the next.

What the hell. I didn't plan on going there for a lessen in the harsh realities of life in the Philippines or be conflicted over some moral dilemma. I'll admit I'm no saint. I'm just a man. We're wired for visual stimulation. I just wanted to see a show to relax and be entertained. That's not so bad right? But, as all those thoughts were going through my mind all the enthusiasm had for going there in the first place disappeared. As I watched the girls I could only feel sad for them.

It's just wrong if you think about it...
It's rather cruel actually...
I mean I may be mentally scarred for life.
Never able to enjoy a strip show for as long as I live.
I wonder if I can sue over this.

Beer buffet

This last week I've been asked to go out everyday since Tuesday. Sheesh. Where was all this love when I was on break and doing nothing? Since school had also started up again last week I had to turn everyone down. I've come to learn that having a few bottles of beer isn't all that conducive to studying. However, since I had no classes today I finally gave in to go out drinking last night.

My cousins had decided to take me over to Bellevue Hotel in Alabang. There is a nice bar on the top floor of the hotel with a great view at night of the city lights. We managed to get there just in time for their happy hour special, which should actually just be called a 5 hour beer buffet. For 250 pesos you can drink all the San Miguel you like. I'm not sure how long they will be keeping this offer though if my cousins continue to head out there. We drank a lot of beer. It didn't stop there either; after the beer buffet was over we went to another bar called Cable Car in Alabang Town Center. We had a few drinks there and then we went to another bar on the other side of the mall for a few more drinks. I'm not sure what time we got back to the dorm or even how we actually made it back alive because in the Philippines there is no such thing as a designated driver or a DUI. So no matter how many beers you had for the night 1, 5 or 20 you're still perfectly legal to drive.

Maybe I'm just getting old or maybe what I've been learning from these health courses I've been taking is finally starting to settle in but this kind of binge drinking isn't really for me anymore. Taking in to account the history of alcohol abuse from both sides of my family it may really be in my best interest to abstain from these types of weekly activities. However, when you are stuck with the option of either staying in your concrete cell for the rest of the weekend or a night out drinking with your cousins, the choice isn't that clear. Everyone needs some r&r. I may lack emotions but I'm not a robot. I hear you saying "you can just say no to the next round" but after you had a few beers in you and everyone is bitching at you to drink more, trust me you don't always manage to get your way. It's not like I can just get up and leave the situation either, since I'm only a passenger. It would be safer for me to ride home with a driver who has had 15 beers to drink that night than trying to find my way home on a jeepney with half my brain working.

Well, I would say it's about 50/50 right now that I'll either end up dying from sanitary reasons or from an alcohol related incident before my stay is up in this country. Do I have any takers?

Cry me a river

In most American movies the leading male is portrayed as strong, dashing, charismatic, and a real gentleman to the ladies. In reality however, most American males fall way short of that description. So when a few of my foreign friends told that's what they had expected of American men, I sort of chuckled "it's a movie". Characters in most movies are far from reality. Well, that's what I thought.

Have you ever seen a Filipino drama? I've seen Milan and I thought it was pretty good until it took the turn for the over dramatic and the characters turned in to cry babies for the next half hour. I always wondered why Filipinos liked watching these kind of stories. They always seemed so melodramatic to me. People don't cry that much in real life. Wrong.

Today, poor Ana walked in to class seeming fine until she got to her desk and started bursting in tears. Her boyfriend was leaving on a jet plane and I don't know if she knew when he'd be back again. She was one of the two remaining girls of our class who has yet to burst in to tears. As of now there is only one girl left in our entire classroom who has yet to cry, Deds. You stay strong girl. During these past 6 months in the Philippines I have never experienced seeing as these many girls cry as I have in of all my years in the states. Filipinos cry and they cry a lot. It's not only the girls, too. The majority of the Filipino males in our class have walked in to the room all teary eyed as well at one point or the other. I bet if someone pushed their buttons just a little more they would have been balling like a bitch.

So, what causes this behavior? Is it something in the food? The movies they watch? I don't know. What's worse I don't even know what to do when I see a girl cry. Should I give them a hug? A pat on the back? A hand shake? Again, I don't know. I'm like a deer caught in a truck's headlight, just hoping they're gonna stop. With the guys it's a little easier, at least. I know for sure I ain't touching them. "Just suck it up, bra".

Maybe if I had emotions of my own I could understand the complexities of the Filipino better but until then it's just another cultural trait that has me mystified.

I hate ants...

Especially the ants out here. They're more like rats. They get in to everything.

I received a package from my parents less than a week ago that contained some food. I didn't really have a place in my little cell to put the stuff away so I decided just to leave them in the box, since all of the items are packaged up anyway I thought they would be fine. My mistake. I pulled one of the bags of chocolates out of the box today and I discovered all these ants running around in the bag. I examined the bag and found a small hole in the bag. I didn't think much of it other than the bag probably already had a hole in it and that's how the ants got in. Then I started to pull more of the items out of the box and I noticed the ants had gotten in to the protein bars and the crackers. That's when I realized that the holes in the packages were probably not originally there but instead it was the ants that chewed through the plastic wrappers to get to the food. Can ants read? How do they know what's on the other side is something for them to eat? The only things that were spared where the soap bars, toothpaste and toothbrushes. Apparently ants have no use for that stuff. Oh, and the canned foods were also spared but I bet if I gave them another week they would get in to that too.


Above the word 'gelatin' you can see the little Y-shaped hole the ants chewed to get to the protein bar. First they had to chew thru the plastic wrapper that was surrounding the box and then thru the wrappers of the individual bars.


They were having a feast with the crackers.

I thinking I should just change the title of my blogg to "My War on Bugs". Or maybe I should think of making a switch to pursue a career in pest control instead. I'm getting a great deal of experience in that field here.