What's this about?

Ladies and gents our story begins with our author who one day packed up his bags to spend the next 5 years of his life on some tropical island far far away. This land is not like any place he has ever been to before. There is no telling of what he may encounter during his stay there but one thing is sure he is going to be in for one crazy adventure. And this is where you get to read about it.

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Readers beware!

The stories told here maybe appear larger than in real life and at times may even appear outlandish. However, all actual events are in fact real (well, most of them). What may appear as a distortion of reality to some may only be due to the author's perspective of the actual events. Some say he is just not right in the head.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Are you gonna flush?

Well quite a few things have happened to me since my line was taken away, such as feeling as if someone kicked me in the crowned jewels, then took a bat to the back of my hip and suckered punch me in the kidneys for good measure. Every once in a while as I took a step I would also feel as if I was going to be folded in half backwards. Yup, I was in a bit of pain and my hip still hurts a llittle now actually but you know that story is a little boring. So I got a better one for you here...

I had been constipated for an entire week and after listening to a couple of lectures about Ascaris lumbricoides I started to get a little paranoid. So after my parasitology class I decided to perform a self diagnostic test of my own to see just how bad this constipation of mine really was. My plan was to start eating and keep on eating. I ate fruits, yogurt, oatmeal, and even some fruit bars (couldn't really find any true fiber bars). I also started to drink these bacterial yogurt drinks and lots of water on the advice of a friend. I figured if I actually had an obstruction some where along my bowls due to some parasitic worm or another, eating all this food would cause me to throw it up because it would have nowhere else to go. ...Right? Anyway, and if there was no obstruction then well it would just come out the normal route. Fortunately for me things came out at the normal end. I think it was drinking all that water that actually did the trick. Thanks Marms.

So as I got done with my double flusher I proceeded to flush the toilet for the last time. But to my dismay there was no sound of rushing water as I pushed down on the handle. It turns out that my entire building was out of water. Being late at night and with an oncoming typhoon I didn't think it was going to get fixed any time soon. Though I was glad that my constipation wasn't caused by thousands of worms obstructing my bowls I started to wish I was constipated once again because, once the flood gates are open it's not that easy to go back to closing them.

Usually when you are just standing in my restroom it's like being in a sauna, mainly because I can't install any air conditioner in there. Now imagine that felling along with the stench of an un-flushed toilet. But what are you gonna do? Crap in your pants? Fortunately, well kind of, that night it wasn't as hot as it usually is in my restroom because of the typhoon. The typhoon also actually brought back running water in to my room for a moment. It came in from the rusted open window of my restroom and it rained down on me as I sat there performing my duty.

It wasn't until noontime of the following day that my uncle had a pail of water delivered to my room. As the pail of water sat there in the middle of my room I stood over it for a minute trying to thinking of what I should do with it exactly. I could try to take a bath with it since I had class in about an hour or I could try and flush all that brown poopie stuff down the toilet. Now the bottom of the bucket didn't look all that clean but I figured it couldn't be any worse than the water silo where my water normally comes from. Hmm...

Why would a blue bucket have a brown bottom?

In the end I decided to use it for what smelled the most. No, not me. The toilet. There was a week of constipation sitting in there. To take care of my own manly smell I just hosed my self down with a bottle of alcohol. Probably not the smartest thing to do especially if I happened to pass by any smokers along the way to class. But, hey this is the Philippines and what'cha gonna do?


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